Kicking My Addiction

One step forward and two steps back. That about sums up my life, but “one step forward, and a 3000mi flight back” seems to be a little more fitting. Every time I come to a “happy place” in my life I realize there is still much work to be done. It’s like spending a Saturday morning cleaning your bathroom, and going to your kitchen only to see that it looks like you served an entire army last night, but you don’t remember it. In situations like this I hit the same crossroad each time: Do I will myself to clean the kitchen, or do I resign to clean it the following weekend? I have spent most of my life going with option two, and not too long ago I realized it wasn’t working. So now I make every effort to better myself, and be the best man that I can be. That sounds great on paper, but the truth is the challenge is more demanding than I could have imagined, and maybe more than I can handle.

I look at myself objectively, and try to foster growth. I accept my faults and try my best to eliminate them. Recently, I ran into a severe fault. Somehow, right under my self-analytical nose I had developed an addiction. This addiction had literally taken over my life, and I was none the wiser. If I were to write what I was addicted to no one would take me serious, so for that reason I will keep my addiction anonymous, but it was serious. I would use first thing in the morning; sometimes so much that I would be running late for work. On my way to work I would use while driving, and some more while at work. I would take bathroom breaks, smuggle my addiction into a stall, and spend about fifteen minutes using pretending to have a bowel movement. I would use while talking to people, and even while reading my son a bedtime story. My addiction was the center of my life, and I didn’t even know it.

The effects of the drug aren’t physical, so it was hard for me to notice, but eventually I caught on. It was on Tuesday, March 10^th, 2015, that I decided to try and conquer my habit, and already my life has turned around. That Wednesday I plowed through work, so much so that the following day I was bored out of my mind. Thursday was so boring for me that I almost started using again, but I persevered. That week in school I blazed through all of my work. Usually, I get home and hangout with my son until about 8:00. At 8:00 I put him to bed using the same ritual that I use every night. At about 8:30 I start my homework, and finish around 11:30.  Once I stopped using my drug the ritual took 15-20 minutes rather than 30, and I began to finish my homework at around 10:00. That added a whole extra hour and a half to my night! Last week I composed a reading list (finished one book already), wrote a play, started a poem, and took up a new venture. I understand my friends and my son more because I am actually listening. I feel like a new man.

I would be doing you all a disservice if I didn’t tell you what the drug is. Most people my age are users too, so I really shouldn’t hide it. The drug is none other than our smart phones. All I did was delete the Facebook and Instagram apps, and that has proved to be worthwhile. Many of us users believe that we are great listeners, multitaskers, and great friends, but in actuality we aren’t. Going out with your friends only to be on your phone is contradictory. You drive better if you aren’t texting, and holding a conversation with someone while browsing your phone is rude.  I am not going on an anti-social media tirade; I just believe it might be worthwhile to disconnect from time to time. Keep in mind that the problem is the phone, and not the apps. For me it’s Instagram and Facebook, but for you it could be Pinterest and Clash of Clans. The phone is the gateway. Anyway, this is my story and my struggle. I hope that I don’t backslide.